It’s a gorgeous day today and I should be in a sparking, dazzling mood, but I’m not. My kids are sick and I just want to nap, but I feel like there’s a million and a half things to do. I can’t get motivated to do them, so instead of doing anything productive, I decided to ask my husband for a topic to write about.

And lucky for me, he had one just ready at the snap of my wifely fingers. As he lounged on (my!) chair in the office, he ticked off the following list of things that all husbands hate about their wives or partners and asked that I so lovingly share it with all of you. You’re welcome.

1. Every time you call yourself fat

No, really. It gets really, really old. All we think about is how beautiful you are, all of the time, and even when we tell you and mean it, you still brush us off. And you know what? That doesn’t feel good and eventually, I kind of want to stop telling you anymore. Because you don’t believe me when I tell you how beautiful you are. But you are, for the record, really beautiful.

2. How much pressure you put on yourself

I don’t really know how to tell you this in a way that won’t hurt your feelings, but you put so much pressure on yourself that doesn’t need to be there. You don’t need to go to every single school event and you don’t need to do everything for the kids. You just don’t.

3. How you think you need to be perfect 24/7

When have I ever really been grossed out by you? Think about it. I don’t care if you stop shaving or smell bad or whatever. I really don’t. Your period stuff does not bother me, I promise. I don’t understand why you think you need to be perfect all of the time. It’s OK to just be human, you know?

4. How you talk about people online like it’s real life

I’ve seen you get genuinely worked up about something that someone said that you will never, ever meet and I try to understand it, but sometimes I wonder if you forget it’s not always real life. I know there are a good parts to social media, but the bad parts are kind of scary.

5. How women are so competitive with each other

Sometimes I wonder why this happened? Did men create this world or did women? Is it nature or something else? Why do women do that thing where they are always silently competing with each other?

6. When you think you’re never good enough

You do so much for our family and I am so grateful to you. I feel like you still have this vision in your head that you don’t live up to. It feels like no matter how many times I tell you, you still think you should be the one who’s cooking or that I care if you clean the house. I like cooking! And I appreciate you cleaning, I really do, but I don’t need you do it. I wish you knew how grateful I am for everything you do. I could never do what you do.

7. When you give me that look you’re giving me right now

OK, fine, I know, you didn’t have a choice about being the one who has to have the babies, I know. So sue me for not being able to give birth. I still couldn’t do what you do, honey.

Love you.