The Mayo Clinic research group defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” This alternate persona to the real self often comes across as grandiose, “above others,” self-absorbed, and highly conceited.
How do you know when you’re dating a narcissist? Here are ten telltale signs, with excerpts from my books (click on titles): “How to Successfully Handle Narcissists” and “A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change Towards the Higher Self”. While most of us are guilty of some of the following behaviors at one time or another, a pathological narcissist tends to dwell habitually in several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (or unconcerned with) how her or his actions affect others.
1. Loves to Talk About Oneself
One of the easiest ways to detect a possible narcissist is by listening to the way he or she speaks. A pathological narcissist loves to talk about himself, often in exaggerated and grandiose terms. She is also someone who’s likely to dominate a conversation. Common conversational topics for narcissists include accomplishments and achievements (the trophy complex), exciting and envy-worthy activities, excessive focus on personal issues and concerns, excessive focus on looks and materialism, and putting others down to show one’s own superiority.
2. Charming and Romantic – But with a Catch
Many narcissists can come across as alluring and attractive, especially during the initial stages of a relationship, when they’re trying to win you over. Like a master salesperson, they use charisma to get your attention, flattery to make you feel special, se-duction (flirting, gifts, dinners, get-aways, s-ex, etc.) to lift you off your feet, and persuasion to get you to give them what they want.
While there’s absolutely nothing wrong inherently with being charming, romantic, and a good lover, the narcissist crafts these traits in order to use others. He or she is not really interested in you, but only what he wants to extract from you (often to fulfill an inner emptiness due to the inability to create true intimacy).
3. Lack of Reliability and Follow Through
Another way to spot a narcissist is to measure her or his actions against her words. Many narcissists lack reliability and follow through. This can range from regularly breaking appointments, to habitually falling through on promises and agreements. The lack of dependability can be emotional as well – being there for you one minute and gone the next. When you observe a pattern of inconsistency between what your partner says, versus what she or he actually does, you may be dealing with a narcissist.
4. Instant Gratification
Some narcissists, being highly self-centered and self-absorbed, expect instant gratification to fulfill their needs. This may range from goading you to answer their texts or calls immediately, to pressuring you to do things their way (socially, interpersonally, and/or s-exually). A quick way to detect a possible narcissist is to gently say “no,” or “let me think about it” to a request you’re not comfortable with, and see how your date responds. If she or he tries hard to persuade you and wouldn’t let up, or shows signs of impatience, irritation, or anger (like a petulant child), take note.
5. Rule Breaker and Boundary Violator
The narcissist often enjoys getting away with violating rules and social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping, stealing office supplies, breaking multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws.
“I take pride in persuading people to give me exceptions to their rules.”
― Anonymous narcissist
In addition, pathological narcissists often show wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, time, and physical space. They overstep and use others without consideration or sensitivity, taking pride, rather than showing remorse, of their Machiavellian deeds.
6. Entitlement
Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect people to cater to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them. For instance, pay attention to how your date treats service people, such as a waitress or waiter, and other support staff. If he or she orders them around like he’s the king, or picks on minor service flaws, be aware. At some point your date may begin to exercise similar entitlement towards you.
7. Manipulation: Using Others to Extend Oneself
Some narcissists will use his or her romantic partner to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized ambitions, or cover up self-perceived inadequacies and flaws.
“I can’t wait to show you off to my friends and make them jealous!”
― Anonymous narcissist
“I talked my girlfriend into letting me live with her rent free. I also get to use her car.”
― Anonymous narcissist
